Hydration

This actually isn't a new post. No, what you're looking at is a draft that I've sat with for over a week. It was an idea that I thought I could express fully, at the time, but after carefully considering the content, it would've lacked the depth that I believe I'm now totally capable of tapping into.

I hope I do justice to the use of your time with this one.

I, initially, wanted to call this post ''bright silver lining'' - you know, just the idea that we're always told to find the best in what's hurting us so it doesn't completely tear us apart...

You know what; I don't need to hide behind my mind to loosely express my feelings now - I'm shooting from the hip.

I was distraught, to say the least; break-up, adulthood, the possibility of having my entire life as I know it totally shifted to another part of the country... not to mention the immeasurable weight of self-imposed failure for not being where I wanted to be in life by this point. That was a pretty big one, especially earlier this week because I keep circling around this thing that everything is my fault; for what I don't have and what I can't do.

Growing up, I had this quiet confidence in my character, keeping close to my core capacity. I lost it, somewhere, but I've begun to retrace my steps - it's starting to come back to me.

A mental mountain that I've learned to scale is turning my mind into my friend. I can't speak for you, but getting myself on my side was one of the hardest things I had to master this year. I took it for granted that just because I'm the one living my existence that I'd treat myself like a close friend.

No one has experienced the harshness of my darker self the way I have - chances are that I'd be way more patient and understanding with you if you'd lived the same exact life I have, making the same exact mistakes that I did. 

But, me, nah - we rip to shreds our own confidence and self-worth because we judge ourselves with more punitive measures than we do others.

Of course by ''we'', I mean ''me''.

Me are Venom.

Me started hydrating again, not just drinking gallons of water but making sure my spirit doesn't go dry - my bravery, my confidence and faith need to be stronger now. More than ever. I want to be different this year, so my interest is pure next year.

The thing with hydrating is that something has to go dry, as a result. I'm scared of being alone, without the person I love. I'm scared of so many other things besides that, but things get tolerable when you think about the consequence of choice and how you can make it work for you.

People make choices, and sometimes, they work against you. The beauty is that you can't stop it, if you could - you'd have all the more reason to be miserable. 

It's not entirely your fault, nor is it entirely mine. Beyond your standard of honesty and accountability, you can't force anyone to stay. Whether it helps or destroys either one of you in the process is hardly your concern.

I don't know who needs to hear this: if they wanted to stay, they would. If you can work through processing that, you'll be amazed at the kind of person you'll become.

Like I'm amazed at the person I'm becoming.