I'm getting ahead of myself.

2020 only started for me, like, a few days ago. Every other day since December 31st felt like the closing chapter of 2019. I didn't do much, at least on the surface - I mourned, grieved and lamented.

The last thing I remember before I died to 2019 is...

Or is the proper English "was"?

I feel like it reads correctly either way.

Anyway, I remember having a chat with a friend who's had the misfortune of meeting me in my late teens - not exactly my proudest years. I mean, I wasn't LiVinG mY bEsT LiFe or anything like that... I was just lost.

You can see the difference between someone who's lost, and someone who's intentionally making poor decisions because YOLO. 

But I'm getting ahead of myself; this sounds like a topic my future self will want to delve into.

This could be a really good time to examine the hidden meaning of what it means to really get ahead of myself.

But I'm getting ahead of myself.

Wait, where was I? 

Right, late teens - I had high functioning anxiety and people often typed me as the overachieving socialite when, really, I was simply becoming exceedingly efficient at running away from myself so much that I could convince anyone that my "truth" was true.

Remember that friend I spoke about earlier? She was a classmate of mine, and she had a happiness about her.

In my dark days, that was actually my harshest criticism of her - that she was too happy.

Imagine someone who's never truly experienced the depth of loss and the cold touch of pain that alters your brain chemistry to a point where you're driven to cope with the very things you swore you would never do.

Someone, who's only ever experienced ease and comfort, telling you that the world is sunshine and rainbows.

Then you go home to your fatherless house, with your fracturing family and dimming sense of self.

You bet I had my piece to say.

But she's since turned a 180; the last time we spoke, she said to me "I don't believe in happiness".

I wasn't surprised, but I wasn't prepared. 

And, tbh, mood.

I don't believe in happiness either.

Happiness is a cute feeling.

Ever seen the Matrix? The Architect designed a version of the Matrix "where everyone would be happy - it was a disaster".

We define ourselves by struggle, and it really be like that sometimes. Somehow, I'd sooner trust a man who's had his heart broken after idealistic thinking of a failing relationship after years than a man who's never even held a woman's hand.

But I'm getting ahead of myself.

Happiness comes and goes. Happiness is a man bringing drinks to the party.

He isn't changing the world, he's just changing your day.

I'm looking for a level of ascension. 

Scripture calls it joy.

I'm not sure I get it, but it's said to be a state of mind. 

Imagine fastening the sensations of happiness to something (or Someone) beyond space and time.

Imagine your soul being still in the midst of life's chaos.

Imagine being in a bad mood, but still bringing the best of your A-game.

Can't?

Good, that's the point - I like the way it's phrased; "peace that surpasses all understanding".

I understand it now.

But I'm getting ahead of myself.

God bless and take charge, reader. Thank you for staying long enough for me to thank you.

Coolest regards,
- Your Friendly Neighbourhood Kenji