A true blue.

I've been thinking deeply into what my favourite colour is, because I know that it says something about who and how I am on an intrinsic level.

Blue was my favourite colour way back when; from the team I was in back at Broadhurst Primary to the characters I related with closely from the shows I watched - blue was true.

I was a calm, meek child - always on my best behaviour, always friendly, never really drew much attention to myself but always managed to be a part of things even if only from a distance.

But then a splash of black spilled across everything, and it seeped into my heart.

Black was my favourite colour.

My dad loved black. Batman likes black. Despair likes black. Insecurity, fear, hatred, anger... black, black, black and more black.

Someone fell in love with me while I was in the dark, and I think we both left a little more damaged because of it. She was brilliant, though - a refreshing splash of colour in my monochromatic chaos. Her departure was disruptive; never quite felt anything like it. When you're in the dark, nothing moves because you can't see.

I saw that, I saw what it did to me.

It was spiritual brutality of the highest order.

The colours of my heart all had their own voice.

The pulsating, tortured screams of the scarlet red wounds. 

The woeful, quiet sighs of the melancholy blues. 

The silent predation of a deathly black. 

The panicked fear of a sickly yellow. 

The surrounded sickness of a depleting green.

I needed to plonk that in there, just for me to remember who I am now... or who I've been all along and just not paying attention to.

But I'm getting ahead of myself.

Okay, so since then I've been looking into the past for traces of my best self and most of it seems to look like the calm, meek kid I used to be. In a way, I'm still that kid - just an older version.

I understand, to a certain extent, what personal wholeness is about. You can't be completely whole if you've never been broken. The trick, I think, is to grasp everything about yourself with both hands and have it snatched away from you so you can begin the journey of reacquiring it.

It's actually a really good place to be in - not knowing who you are. It's an opportunity to see if you ever knew at all. If you didn't, even better... time to see if you can be true to your kind of blue.

Thank you for staying long enough for me to thank you.

Keep cool,

- Your Friendly Neighbourhood Kenji