Having healthy human habits.

I, sometimes, feel fear when I think of letting go - more so when I think of others doing the same.

The spaces in my memories are inhabited by perfect moments given to me by imperfect people who offered me a glimpse into an expression of their best selves in that moment. 

I celebrate the holiness of those experiences, but mourn the brevity of their passage.

Those moments felt designed - everything happening exactly the way it did for this moment to happen exactly the way it has so I can feel exactly the way I do about it, about myself and my company.

While side-stepping comforts like ''right place, right time'' and ''everything happens for a reason'' really don't give deliberate or concise answers, they certainly become real in those moments of design.

But those moments come to an end, just like everything else that has a beginning. Some people transition into ordinary life quite easily after, in an almost dispassionate fashion.

Me, and people like me out there? Not so much.

I suppose it's because those moments provide a sense of belonging + meaning - a peak experience that feels like it should last forever so we can carry it into everything we do and won't need to feel the fracture of our own brokenness.

For me, it's the fact that we all have lives outside of the things we love and lost. I still don't know how to fully exist in a beautiful moment just to let it and that person go.

I've had breaking points from being haunted by those moments - it's like having to swallow a coarse chunk of bread that quietly pushes against you in a space so personal that your only options are to continue the process or die in that place, at that time.

But the attacks on my extrinsic sense of wholeness come from, you guessed it, the outside. I didn't even know what was happening until the trail of my energy bled around me.

It started with a crack, barely recognisable because it still looked like me.

But when some things crack, you need to let them break apart and release what's inside and give it time outside its shell.

I had to ask myself what it is I'm still holding on to and what it is I'm still trying to protect. Am I alright with this going to waste? 

It's not just letting go of those moments, or the people but of myself so that something new can come out and how I navigate back to health when I feel fear again.

It never stops, so neither do I.

Grace and peace, bud. :)

Coolest regards,

- Your Friendly Neighbourhood Kenji